| Wise Cracks Quotes |
Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?
-- Mae West – She Done Him Wrong (1933)
[talking to a stockbroker]
Silver is down? Well, call the lone ranger. He'll cheer him up.
-- Rodney Dangerfield - Easy Money (1983)
I have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass…and I’m all out of bubble-gum.
-- Roddy Piper – They Live (1987)
I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.
-- Harry Hill
-- All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
Steven Wright
[talking to Beyonce Knowles]
You might be a cunning linguist, but I am a master debater!
-- Mike Myers - Austin Powers: Goldmember (2002)
She saw a sign saying 'Wet Floor.' So she did!
-- Joan Rivers
Clear? Huh! Why a 4-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a 4-year-old child. I can't make head or tail out of it.
-- Groucho Marx – Duck Soup (1933)
I wish I had a kryptonite cross. Then I could keep Dracula and Superman away.
-- Jack Handey
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? ...He's a mile away and you've got his shoes.
-- Billy Connolly
So my grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.
-- Ellen Degeneres - WiseCracks (1991)
Hotel Clerk: "Busy?"
Honest John: "Well I'm about as busy as a pickpocket in a nudist colony."
-- W. C. Fields - Six Of a Kind (1934)
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you'
-- Tim Vine
I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.
-- Samuel Butler (Further Extracts From Notebooks - 1934)
I suggest that we give him ten years in Leavenworth or eleven years in Twelveworth.
...
I tell you what I'll do. I'll take five and ten in Woolworth
-- Marx Brothers - Duck Soup (1933)
He dreamed he was eating shredded wheat and woke up to find the matress half gone
-- Fred Allen
You'd better stop getting prettier every day. You'll turn into a monopoly.
-- Dean Martin - Ocean's Eleven (1960)
If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster!
-- Clint Eastwood – The Rookie (1990)
I knew a girl at school called Pandora...never got to see her box though!
-- Rhys Ifans - Notthing Hill (1999)
The toilets at a local police station have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.
-- Ronnie Barker (from the Two Ronnies, 1972, BBC)
I was going to become a Hairdresser, but my Mother told me it was a dyeing trade.
-- Robert Paul
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