| Wife Husband Quotes |
A husband is what’s left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
-- Helen Rowland
"My wife said to me, "I want to be cremated." I said, "How about Tuesday?"
-- Buddy Hackett
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
Husbands should be like Kleenex: soft, strong, and disposable.
-- Madeleine Kahn (Clue - 1985 - Jonathan Lynn, John Landis)
So I said ‘where do you want to go for your anniversary?’
She said, ‘I want to go somewhere I've never been before.’
I said, ‘try the kitchen.’
-- Henny Youngman - Goodfellas (1990)
My wife was afraid of the dark...then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
-- Jimmy Carter
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.
-- Jim Backus
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
-- Milton Berle
I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
-- Henry Youngman
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
-- Sacha Guitry
Husbands are like fires. They go out when unattended.
-- Zza Zza Gabor
I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.
-- Joan Rivers
My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
-- Rita Rudner
The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it.
-- Ann Bancroft
My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside.
-- Roseanne Barr
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interesting she becomes to him.
-- Agatha Christie
I've never yet met a man who could look after me. I don't need a husband. What I need is a wife.
-- Joan Collins
The ideal man doesn't exist. A husband is easier to find.
-- Brit Ekland
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