| Funny Marriage Quotes |
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- Groucho Marx
I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night.
-- Marie Corelli
A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor - Newsweek, 28 Mar 1960
My wife and I were happy for twenty years - then we met.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
Marriage isn’t a word…it’s a Sentence!
-- King Vidor – In the Crowd (1928)
Take it from me. Marriage isn't a word...it's a sentence!
-- James Murray - The Crowd (1928)
Inertia accounts for two-thirds of marriages. But love accounts for the other third.
-- Woody Allen (Hollywood Ending, 2002)
I married a German. Every night I dress up as Poland and he invades me.
-- Bette Midler
Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!
-- Tommy Cooper
Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house.
-- Lewis Grizzard
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
-- Anonymous
I never married because I have three pets at home that answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night.
-- Marie Corelli
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
-- Anonymous
I've sometimes thought of marrying, and then I've thought again.
-- Noel Coward
Garth, marriage is punishment for shoplifting in some countries!
-- Mike Myers – Wayne’s World (1993)
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
-- Hemant Joshi
Gay people should be allowed to get married. Just because somebody's gay doesn't mean he shouldn't suffer like the rest of us.
-- Jeff Shaw
My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.
-- Roseanne Barr
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
-- Rita Rudner
A husband is what is left of a lover after the nerve has been extracted.
-- Helen Rowland – A guide to Men (1922)
So I said, 'Where do you want to go for your anniversary?'
She said: 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.'
I said, 'Try the kitchen.'
-- Henry Youngman (Goodfellas, 1990)
Detective one: “How do you pay your alimony?”
Detective two: “Once a month I give her a check signed in my own blood, then I pray the bitch chokes on it.”
-- The Killer's Edge (1991)
If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.
-- Johnny Carson
I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath'. For three years my husband and I slept on bunk beds.
-- Joan Rivers
I know why married men live longer. They are half dead already.
-- Peter Sellers - There's a Girl In My Soup (1970)
A man doesn't know what happiness is until he gets married - and then it's too late.
-- Frank Sinatra - The Joker Is Wild (1957)
Lucille Ball: “Marriage is like an institution.”
Charlie McCarthy: “So is Alcatraz, but I wouldn't want to live in it.”
-- Look Who's Laughing (1941)
I married your mother because I wanted children. Imagine my disappointment when you arrived.
-- Groucho Marx - Horse Feathers (1932)
A wedding is a funeral where you smell your own flowers.
-- Eddie Cantor - Kid Millions (1934)
Marriage is like a beleaguered city: those who are in are trying to get out, and those who are out are trying to get in.
-- Douglas Fairbanks - Private Life Of Don Juan (1934)
Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invaribly they are both disappointed.
-- Albert Einstein
Marriage is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important.
-- Lisa Hoffman
In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues.
-- Helen Rowland
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