The Office Quotes - Season 1
Finchy: Give me half hour with her I’d be up to me nuts in guts.
Gareth: I can read women. You've got to know their wants and their needs. And that can be anything from making sure she's got enough money to buy groceries each week to making sure she's gratified sexually after intercourse.
Gareth: In my experience, women who work in factories are slappers.
David: I'm going to have to let you go first.
Dawn: What? Why?
David: Why? Stealing. Thieving.
Dawn: Thieving? What am I meant to have stolen?
David: Post-It notes.
Gareth: If you’re so clever, what am I thinking now?
Tim: You’re thinking how can I kill a tiger armed only with a biro.
Gareth: No.
Tim: You’re thinking if I crash land in a jungle will I be able to eat my own shoes.
Gareth: No. And you can’t
Tim: What are you thinking Gareth?
Gareth: I was just wondering whether will there ever be a boy born who can swim faster than a shark.
Dawn: He proposed on a Valentine’s day, although he didn’t do it face to face, he did it in one of the little Valentine bits in the paper. I think he had to pay for it by the word, because it just said ‘Lee love Dawn, marriage?’ which you know, I like, because it’s not often you get to something that’s both romantic and thrifty.
David Brent: I’ve created an atmosphere where I’m a friend first, boss second. Probably entertainer third.
Gareth: The thing is about long term marriage is that inevitably, the sex suffers. You constantly have to find new and erotic ways of spicing things up in the bedroom.
David brent: When people say to me: would you rather be thought of as a funny man or a great boss? My answer’s always the same, to me, they’re not mutually exclusive.
David: There are limits to my comedy. There are things that I’ll never laugh at. The handicapped. Because there’s nothing funny about them. Or any deformity. It’s like when you see someone look at a little handicapped and go ‘ooh, look at him, he’s not able-bodied. I am, I’m prejudiced.’ Yeah, well, at least the little handicapped fella is able-minded. Unless he’s not, it’s difficult to tell with the wheelchair ones.
Gareth: When cherries are ripe, they're ready for plucking, when girls are sixteen, they're ready..
David: Gareth!
David: Well, there’s good news and bad news. The bad news is that Neil will be taking over both branches, and some of you will lose your jobs. Those of you who are kept on will have to relocate to Swindon, if you wanna stay. I know, gutting. On a more positive note, the good news is, I’ve been promoted, so....every cloud. You’re still thinking about the bad news aren’t you?
Gareth: I could catch a monkey. If I was starving I could. I’d make poison darts out of the poison of the deadly frogs. One milligram of that poison can kill a monkey. Or a man. Prick yourself and you’d be dead within a day. Or longer. Different frogs, different times...
Gareth: All farmers have wives.
Tim: This one doesn’t, he’s gay.
Gareth: Well, then, he shouldn’t be allowed near animals should he.
David Brent : You don't have to be mad to work here, in fact we ask you to complete a medical questionnaire to ensure that you are not.
Tim: I live with my parents.
David: Cherish them. Both of mine are dead. Well, my dad’s not dead, but in a home, so good as.
Gareth Keenan: What ones are yours that I use?
David Brent: Same shit, different day, that's mine. Exsqueeze me, instead of excuse me.
Tim Canterbury: Wank you very much.
David Brent: Yeah, I invented that.
David Brent: Have you heard George Michael's latest release?
Tim: No.
David: No? George Michael's latest song... his release, though...
Tim: Is it about blow jobs?
David Brent: Yeah, that thing in the toilet. It was a hand job...
Donna: Is it 'Wank Me Off Before You Go-Go'?
David Brent : Trust, encouragement, reward, loyalty... satisfaction. That's what I'm... you know. Trust people and they'll be true to you. Treat them greatly, and they will show themselves to be great.
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