| Family Guy Quotes |
Brothers and sisters fighting is as natural as a white mans dialogue in a Spike Lee movie.
Come, ice cream. Come to my mouth. How dare you disobey me!
Lois, when I'm through with them, our kids will be so smart, they'll be able to program their own VCRs without spilling piping hot gravy all over myself.
For God's sake, shake me. Shake me like a British nanny!
Brian: Whose leg do I have to hump to get a dry martini around here?
Peter Griffin: Son, this is a big day for you. Today, you become the man of the house, because, when we get home, your mother is going to kill me.
You're the worst thing to happen to musical theater since Andrew Lloyd Webber.
Damn the toilet! It's made slaves of you all! It just sits there consuming other people's feces while contributing nothing of its own to society.
It's a bird, it's a plane, it's a lower-middle class Irish family.
Chris Griffin: Where do you think you go when you die?
Southern boy: I learned from church that if you're good you go to heaven but if you're bad, you go to a place where the dead believe they're still living and they pray for death but death won't come.
Chris Griffin: UPN?
Peter: Joe, I've had new neighbors before but none of them were half the man you are. And since you're half a man already, that splits them into some kind of fraction I can't even measure.
Kids, we just have to learn to accept this. Like one of those stories on Dateline where a family member suffers a horrible accident and becomes a burden on everybody. Sure, they pretend to be happy, but they're dead inside,
they're dead. And that'll be our lives.
Peter: [writing letter] Dear MacGuyver, Enclosed is a rubber band, a paper clip, and a drinking straw. Please save my dog.
[Bear is standing in front of Peter and Chris]
Chris: Dad I know what to do! I saw NBC's 'When Bears Attack'. GO AWAY. You are not wanted, go on... scat. Stay tuned for all new Ally Mcbeal.
[On being President of the tobacco company]
Peter: And they give us a lot of perks, too.
Ugly Girl: (to Meg) Hi.
Meg: Who are you?
Ugly Girl: I'm the ugly girl sent to stand next to you to make you more desirable.
Gays don't vomit. They're a very clean people. And they've been that way ever since they came over to this country from France.
Brian: Face it Peter, you get competitive about everything.
Peter: I am so not competitive. In fact, I am the least non-competitive. So I win.
I don't want your Mom to worry alright? When she worries she starts saying things like 'I told you so' or 'Stop doing that I'm asleep'.
Lois Griffin: Peter! You're bribing your daughter with a car?
Peter Griffin: Ah, c'mon, Lois, isn't 'bribe' just another word for 'love'?
Excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you, very homosexually.
Meg: How could you embarrass me like that? Nobody better pull this kind of crap at my slumber party tonight.
Lois: Don't worry, honey. You and your friends are gonna have a great time.
Stewie: Yes. How delightful it will be. A pubescent herd of gabby wretches prattling on about boys and music and jellybeans and stickers.
Lois: A woman is not an object.
Peter: Your mother is right, son. Listen to what it says.
Lois: Peter!
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