Secretary: How do you write women so well?
Melvin: I think of a man, and then I take away reason and accountability.
Carol: When you first came in for breakfast, when I first saw you, I thought you were handsome...Then, of course, you spoke.
Carol: Why can't I just have a normal boyfriend?! Why!? Just a regular boyfriend! One who doesn't go nuts on me.
Carol's Mom: Everyone wants that dear. It doesn't exist.
Melvin: People who talk in metaphors oughta shampoo my crotch
Melvin: Not even if you hear a sound of a thud from my home, and one week later, there's a smell coming from there that can only be a decaying human body, and you have to hold a hanky to your face, because the stench is so thick that you think that you're gonna faint. Even then, don't come knocking.
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