Alvy Singer: What's with all these awards? They're always giving out awards. Best Fascist Dictator: Adolf Hitler.
Alvy Singer: I was thrown out of NYU my freshman year for cheating on my metaphysics final, you know. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
Alvy Singer: I don't want to move to a city where the only cultural advantage is being able to make a right turn on a red light.
Alvy Singer: A relationship, I think, is like a shark. You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.
Alvy Singer: My grammy never gave gifts. She was too busy getting raped by Cossacks.
Alvy Singer: I remember the staff at our public school. You know, we had a saying, uh, that those who can't do teach, and those who can't teach, teach gym. And, uh, those who couldn't do anything, I think, were assigned to our school.
Alvy Singer: Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat... college
Alvy: Hey, don’t knock masturbation – it’s sex with someone I love.
[Whilst In California.]
Annie: It's so clean out here!
Alvy: That's because they don't throw their garbage away, they turn it into television shows.
Alvy: I would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member. That's the key joke of my adult life, in terms of my relationships with women.
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