Eddie: Saffy Look at Mummy, look at me. Do I need surgery?
Saffy: Yes, have your mouth sewn up.
Eddie: She's very good at genetics.
Saffy: She should be, she's been a walking sperm bank all her life.
Patsy: The last mosquito that bit me had to book in to the Betty Ford clinic.
Eddie: You’ve given up drinking before.
Patsy: Worst eight hours of my life.
Eddie: Sweetie, we dragged these people screaming into the 20th Century. We gave them all the mod-cons, darling. We gave them the non-squat toilet... toilet tissue, darling. I mean, how do you think they used to wipe their bottoms before we came along?
Patsy: Old bits of hoof.
Patsy: Oh, he was just a windscreen washer I picked up at the traffic lights. Buns so tight he was bouncing off the wall.
Patsy: One snap of my fingers and I can raise hemlines so high the world's your gynecologist.
I was just trying to live my bloody life - you know, get from A to B, and do a little shopping - only to find that in fact life is controlled poorly by bits of *bloody*, *bloody* buggery bits of paper. I mean, why can't life just be made a little bit easier for everybody, you know, I mean why do we play bloody taxes? I know, you know, to buy railings to put outside bloody shops so stupid people can't run into the bloody road, but you know, we're not all stupid. We don't all need nursemaiding. I mean, why not have a stupidity tax, just tax the stupid people!
Eddie: You can't give these sort of clothes to the poor. Haven't they got enough to contend with without the added humiliation of wearing last season.
[talking about adoption]
Eddie: I would be quite a bit like Mia Farrow. I could have more than one. I mean I always regretted not getting a Vietnamese one, when that was the thing. I could get one in every colour...one in every room.
Eddie: Had two husbands, one was too short one was gay. Still sweetie, if you want to know how to peck a dwarf on the cheek as he's walking out of the house to the disco in your dress, then I'm your girl.
Eddie: I like these here ... these shoes. And the televisions, I like this. And I also want one of those blood-heads, you know, those frozen blood-heads filled with blood. Anything that's in the Saatchi collection, I want things like that, alright. I also want .... everything. Alright? Everything. It all looks like bollocks, so it must be worth something.
Eddie: In the Sixties, we were too stoned to jog; in the Seventies we had platform shoes, and in the Eighties ... I can't remember what happened in the Eighties.
Eddie: She's been to a clinic darling, they didn't have enough room for all the toxic waste they pumped out of her. Even Japan refused to take it.
Eddie: God, I hope you're not inviting that bloody, bollocky, selfish, two-faced, chicken bastard, pig-dog man, are you?
Saffy: You could just say 'Dad'.
Eddie: I did tell you the facts of life didn't I sweetie?
Saffy: If you mean that time you sat on my bed and shook me awake at 2 in the morning, stoned out of your brain, and slurred into my ear 'By the way sweetie, people have it off,' then yes, you told me the facts of life.
Patsy: She was so anally retentive she couldn't sit down for fear of sucking up the furniture.
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