| Steven Wright Quotes |
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
I'm living on a one-way dead end street. I don't know how I got there.
Who is General Failure, and why is he reading my hard disk?
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, 'Do I know you?'
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
I think I've forgotten this before.
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing ' Happy Birthday .'
How young can you die of old age?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him...'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!' He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. He's an East German Shepherd.
Ever notice how it's a penny for your thoughts, yet you put in your two-cents? Someone is making a penny on the deal!
My apartment was robbed and everything was replaced with exact replicas...I told my roommate and he said 'Do I know you?'
You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent? That's why I never take baths.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
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