| Peter Kay Quotes |
You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller",he said "Not you again".
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, Thyroid problem?
Hobnobs. The Steven Seagal of the biscuit world.
Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
Being a Comedian is the only job I've ever managed to keep for a long period of time. In all my other jobs after a while it got to the point where it was like I wasn't there. Hey I bet my former bosses are sat right now saying, "You're damn right you wasn't there, that's why you're not there now!" but I guess I never settled because I wasn't meant to pack toilet rolls or stack shelves, I was destined to make people laugh.
Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a
calculator.
William Shakespeare went into a pub. The landlord said, "Get out! You're barred".
Friend of mine got knocked down by a mobile library...he were lying in the road screaming and the driver got out and said 'Shhhhhhh'
A man went into the Doctor's with a steering wheel down his pants. Doctor said: "What happened"...'Don't know, but it's driving me nuts!'
What do donkeys get for their dinner at blackpool? Half an hour.
Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?'
What do people in China call their good plates?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
The two things you ask a taxi driver. 1) Been busy? 2) What time you on till?
"Hi I'm not in at the moment, please leave your name and number after the tone and I'll get back to you..."Hello, my name is mum, and my number is..."
"Like you're not gonna know your own mum!!!"
So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants,it was Wedgie Kray.
So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".
But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite ..... one jar!
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