| Bob Monkhouse Quotes |
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. They're not laughing now.
Silence is not only golden; it is seldom misquoted.
I remember when safe sex was a padded headboard.
I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 75 so it's no distance.
People always say: "You're a comedian, tell us a joke." They don't say: "You're an MP, tell us a lie."
I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.
What's a geriatric? A german footballer scoring three goals.
Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest.
When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up...what did he go back to?
Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money.
My wife said: "Can my mother come down for the weekend?" So I said: "Why?" And she said: "Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already."
I want to die like my father, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming and terrified, like his passengers.
Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional.
The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.
I spilt some stain remover on my sleeve. How do you get that out?
How can we expect a politician to believe in the wisdom of the people when he knows it was the people who voted him in?
I'm rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I've regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.
Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?
My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.
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